Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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