I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
