i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
