woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
