the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
