I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Randomize
