a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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