Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
