Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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