Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
