he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
