I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
