I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
