I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
