R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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