Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
