That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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