From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
