i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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