dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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