sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
