I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
