I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I intend to get homeless drunk
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
