Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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