Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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