I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
