im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I think i got beer on your cat.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
