I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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