someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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