I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
