If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
