You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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