tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
