Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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