Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
