It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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