You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
