You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
