We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
