Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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