when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
