Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
