i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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