I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
