I am spending my child support on dildos
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
as a side note pls kill me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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