I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We just shotgunned beers for America
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
