Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
