I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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