i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
