You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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