Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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