the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I am spending my child support on dildos
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
